Olivia’s Diary

September 22, 1922
I am so excited to finally be in India! As soon as it was announced on the boat that it would only take a few more days to arrive in Bombay, my impatience started to get more and more. To be honest, it was quite boring on the boat. Sure, a lot of entertainment was offered to the passengers and the crew was very friendly. After a while however, I started longing for some change. I started to feel the need to go somewhere else; my bedroom, the dining hall, the lobby; they all started to annoy me.
But I am here now! During the trip to our house I saw a lot of the beautiful nature in this country. When driving through cities I also saw a lot of local Indian people. They were a bit different than I had imagined. Especially the clothing is different. In the streets there are bazaars and everywhere you can smell food.
When I arrived at our house this morning I was very pleasantly surprised. The house is just wonderful! The servants immediately took care of my luggage and there was nothing for me to worry about. Douglas took me to the living room where some cold drinks were waiting for me. Oh I was so happy to see him again and hold him in my arms! It has been such a while!
Unfortunately Douglas couldn’t stay very long; he had to get back to work. This disappointed me a little. I have been missing him so much all these weeks!
When he was gone I decided to start unpacking my luggage; however I found that the servants were already busy doing this. My Hindi is very bad so by waving my hand I tried to send them away.
Now I have finished unpacking and don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t wait until Douglas will be back to spend the evening with me. However, he had already warned me: it could be quite late and if I’m tired I should go to bed.

December 12, 1923
Tonight, Douglas said, some people from work are coming over to have dinner at our place.
I am very excited to meet these people. The Crawfords will be coming. Mr. Crawford is the Collector who Douglas works for. He’ll also be bringing his wife. Furthermore the Medical Intendent Dr. Saunders and his wife and finally Major and Mrs. Minnies are expected to come.
The servants have been busy all day with cooking a good meal, and I myself have been busy with the decoration of the dining room. I love to have fresh flowers, candles, wonderful plates and precious blankets. I’ll be wearing my special dress tonight. I wouldn’t want to give Douglas any reason to be disappointed in my capabilities of entertaining guests. He has given me strict instructions on how to behave in certain situations. I will make a good wife.

February 15, 1923
I am in a place called Satipur which is just outside Khatm for almost half a year now. My stay has left a visible mark on the house. Bit by bit I changed little things; the way the furniture is arranged in the living room, the decorations in the dining hall and all my cosmetics on the table in the bedroom.
By now I actually don’t really know what to do anymore. The days don’t seem to end. I spend most of my time playing the piano or doing some housework, although this is mostly done by the servants.
The Crawfords, the Minnies and the Saunders now visit us frequently. Through the talks they have with Douglas I got to know quite a little about Satipur and Khatm. Where we live is the British part of the town. There is an Indian prince, called the Nawab who lives in his palace in Khatm.
A few weeks ago there was a dinner party in the palace. I got to see the Nawab for the first time. I have to admit, he is a very handsome man! I was quite impressed by the whole event. The food was wonderful, and so was the ambience. I was very impressed by the chandeliers hanging above the extremely long table which not seemed to end.
I also met another Englishman, Harry, who lives with the Nawab in the palace. He was the only person in the room to whom I felt connected.
The Nawab himself also spoke to me a few times. He seems to be a very nice man. I noticed that he was looking at me several times. I’m not sure, but I think I saw his eyes light up when I entered the room. Oh, I shall not tell Douglas!
The days after the party I felt better. I don’t know what has happened to me, but my life seems to be less useless.
A few days ago I was playing Chopin when I heard a car outside. It was the Nawab, including a whole party of people who came to see me. Harry was there as well. It was a very pleasant afternoon and it was over far too quickly.
Yesterday an invitation has arrived for Douglas and me to come to the Palace. Douglas told me we couldn’t go, since the Crawfords haven’t been invited. It would bring him into a difficult situation at work. On the one hand I can understand this, but on the other hand I wanted to go so badly! What is there in it for me, here in India?

March 3, 1923
Today Douglas and I went to the British graveyard. I have always been attracted to graveyards. They are so impressive, they fascinate me. Every gravestone represents a live that has passed away. It’s so mysterious in a way.
I found a wonderful grave; it was an Italian angel. When I read the inscription it had a great impact on me: It was the grave of a baby of the Saunders!
This made me very pessimistic. What if anything will happen to my baby, to the little Douglas junior, as soon as I want to be pregnant?
Douglas said that this is just the effect that India has on people who are just here. They have to get used to India. It is said that “India changes people”. At first I didn’t want to believe him. I am strong enough to withstand this! The longer I think about it however, I start to believe him. Anyway, if this is the cause for my bad mood, then it’ll also disappear again.

March 20, 1923
Mrs. Crawford took me to a visit to the Begum yesterday. This is the Nawab’s mother. She did try to speak a word to me, however because my Urdu (the language of the palace) and her English are so bad, it didn’t really work out. Actually I was a bit disappointed because Mrs. Crawford didn’t really try to integrate me in their conversation and I felt a bit left out.
Later we drove to Mrs. Minnies. Here I got to know a bit more about the Nawab. She told me that the he would have some kind of relationship to the dacoits. These are members of armed bands of robbers. I have met the Nawab several times now, but wouldn’t have expected that he has something to do with robbers! They also told me something about his wife Sandy who is actually called Zahira and that something had gone wrong. This made me very curious.
The ladies also talked about Simla. They assumed I would go with them. I don’t really feel like doing so however. Simla takes place in summer, when it is the hottest. They then go to a house somewhere near the mountains where it is cooler. I really don’t want to go without Douglas.
Today I met Harry who told me some more about. Apparently she is not a very intelligent woman, if not even mentally ill. She doesn’t live with him in the palace, but somewhere far away. I feel sorry for both of them.

April 5, 1923
Again the Nawab has come to visit me. “When the guest will not grace the house of the host, then that house ceases to be a happy place. So I have come!” he said. He wanted to take me to a special place. After a long drive through the beautiful Indian countryside we came to a place where we couldn’t go any further by car. We walked a little while until we arrived at a shady grove around a stone shrine. It really was a wonderful place; green trees which provided a cooler area to sit in, and somewhere you could even hear some water flowing in a little stream. The Nawab started to be so friendly again. Sometimes he can be so charming! He asked me if I liked the place and apologized for the long journey. Then he explained something about the place. Baba Firdaus’ shrine was a place sacred to his ancestors. We had a good conversation. I don’t know how it could happen but all of a sudden something drew us closer. It was a very special moment and one thing happened after another.
Oh, how could I be so stupid! I will never be able to Douglas about this, he will not forgive me.

June 13, 1923
Like every year, a lot of tensions has arisen over the Husbands Wedding Day around this time.
This is a Hindu celebration. A large proportion of the population of Khatm is Muslim like the Nawab. However, on this day the Hindu’s come to Baba Firdaus’ shrine to celebrate. This event always causes a lot of disturbance. Mrs. Crawford and Mrs. Minnie came to see me to tell me not to worry; everything would be okay again after the celebration. Mrs. Minnies told me that the dacoits supported by the Nawab are very involved in the disturbances every year and that last year this has caused 12 killed and 75 wounded. I don’t believe this however. That is not the Nawab I know!
Later that afternoon Harry came to see me. He told me the Nawab wasn’t very well at the moment; he was very agitated and easily irritated by the whole situation.
When Douglas came home, very late as usual, Harry was still there. I was very glad that Douglas didn’t show that he actually did not like Harry. It became very late and Harry stayed overnight. After that he just stayed for a few days more. I was quite happy to have him because now I have someone during the day to spend some time with.

June 30, 1923
I am so happy! Douglas and I have decided that we want to start having children! It must be so lovely to have a little Douglas or a little Olivia! What will I name them?
Mrs. Crawford and Mrs. Minnies have left for Simla. They did everything to try and persuade me but I decided not to go as long as Douglas wouldn’t be able to come with me. I think that this is the best decision. The two ladies are wonderful, but with Douglas I feel that I can be myself. I need him.

July 13, 1923
Lately I am spending more and more time with Harry. He seems to have little problems with the Nawab because he would like to visit his sick mother in Britain, but the Nawab won’t let him go. The Nawab in general is used to having anything he wants and thinks he can also own people like Harry.
At the same time I get the feeling that Harry doesn’t feel to well lately. I think that India is not good for him. He might have eaten something bad. Well, I hope he’ll be better soon.

August 3, 1923
It is extremely hot now. The servants are doing everything to keep the house cool, but it is still unbearable. It is the dust that keeps on blowing into the house. There is nothing you can do about it. I am really glad to have the servants to do all the housework because I really wouldn’t be able to do it all in this heat.
Harry is in hospital in Khatm now. When I told Douglas about it his only reaction was: “Oh.”
I’ll just take this as a permission to go to Khatm to see Harry now and then.
One morning I told Douglas that Harry’s situation was getting worse and I asked him if we could maybe have Dr. Saunders to look at him. He thought this was a bad idea since Dr. Saunders doesn’t have private patients. While he said this he was smoking a pipe. He knows I don’t like him smoking a pipe. I said something about it and we had an argument.
I really don’t know what is wrong with me. Douglas said it is the heat and that I should have gone to Simla. I don’t agree. I was able to withstand the heat in other days as well.

August 20, 1923
I went to the shrine again. This time I was accompanied by both the Nawab and Harry. When we arrived there some armed men emerged from the shrine. I thought I’d faint by the shock in combination to the heat. The Nawab went up to them to talk to them and they went away. He must have known them. The rest of the afternoon was very pleasant. I really love spending time with the Nawab and/or Harry. It is just so much better than staying at home all day not knowing what to do because of the heat.

August 30, 1923
I am pregnant! I don’t dare to tell Douglas.
Yesterday when I was in the palace I told the Nawab. It was quite an awkward situation but I am glad that I told someone. I am quite sure that the Nawab is the father of this baby.
My pregnancy also explains why I was in such a bad mood sometimes. It really was not the heat that caused this.
Now that I have told the Nawab I have to tell Douglas as well. He’ll think it is his baby. Until the birth of the child this is no problem. However, when it is born, it will be evident that this is an Indian child. It will have black hair and a dark skin!
Oh, I feel so bad! I really don’t know what to do. In the morning I feel dizzy and my emotional wellbeing is completely confused. I just wish I could tell everyone the truth!

September 12, 1923
This morning the Begum came to my house. This is very unusual since I have actually never had close contact to her. She came with a maid servant who dressed me in a burqa. I was then being taken to two middle-aged midwives who would do the process of the abortion of my child. They made me lie on the floor and had a conversation while they were doing all sorts of things to me. Up to now it had felt like a massage. The atmosphere was quite relaxed actually. All of a sudden there was a noise coming near and they hid me under a blanket. I was very scared to be caught here. Lying under a blanket like a dead person didn’t really help to get away this feeling. It turned out to be the Begum who had come together with a servant. She was highly interested in everything that was happening. Then one of them went away to go and prepare something in another room. I wanted to know what it was and lifted my head, but the other midwife pressed it down again. The other midwife now came back with a twig. Now the painful part came. The women took my ankles and then entered the twig into my body. The pain is indescribable. It was something I had never felt before.
Then the Begum bent over to look at me. I will never forget her face.

That same night I started to miscarry. Douglas took me to Dr. Saunders who found the twig and knew that this was a common Indian way to abort a pregnancy. This he told me and Douglas.
I decided to go to the Palace straight away. I do not want to return to Douglas or anyone else of the British community. I don’t know what is going to happen next, but I would like to start a new and silent little life somewhere. I don’t know yet whether this is going to be in Britain or here in India. At the moment I think I prefer India.